


Unwavering

by StarClearWaters (Readoutloud)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, One-Sided Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Work In Progress, not sure what will happen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-10-11 23:57:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20554838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Readoutloud/pseuds/StarClearWaters
Summary: It just doesn’t make sense. His feelings haven't changed. Why hadn’t it happened during high school, when his jealousy had been so real, so thick and all surrounding he could have drowned in it.





	1. Coffee for Two

**Author's Note:**

> Working on this fairly irregularly. Be warned updates will be sporadic. I'm not even sure how long this will be.

Unwavering

Merlin had always known that Arthur would never be interested in him as more than a friend. They have been together for so long that Merlin just couldn't understand why it was happening now. Its the same trendy cafe Arthur’s lived near for the past 2 years, on their usual weekly meet up, and about the thousandth time Merlin has had to sit through Arthur talk about his dates.

It just doesn’t make sense. His feelings haven't changed. Why hadn’t it happened during high school, when his jealousy had been so real, so thick and all surrounding he could have drowned in it; as Arthur practically worked his way through the whole female population of their school. Or why not during college, when Arthur had stupidly fallen in love with some of the worst people Merlin had ever had the misfortune to meet. Sofia and Vivian might not have been serious about their relationships with Arthur, but Arthur had been. Merlin had known it, because he knows Arthur.

Then there was Mithian. He had felt nothing but unavoidable surrender. She had been perfect; smart, kind, funny, graceful and so beautiful. She outshone all of Arthur's past girlfriends. Even if it had been Uther to set them up — more as a profitable business arrangement than a love match — but they had been a good match.

He had thought after Mithian, that he hadn’t needed to worry. That if he hadn’t shown any symptoms then, than he would never show them. That he didn’t need to worry, He was safe.

But maybe, it was the fact he had started to let his guard down. Started to feel safe in his emotions. Maybe even fooled himself to the belief that Arthur would never settle down. That he could continue to play pretend with his empty relationships while Arthur dated an endless stream of women who would never matter.

Gwaine is a good guy, even though the thing between them had never been serious or exclusive. Gwaine is the closest relationship Merlin has ever had to being something real. Even then, when earlier today, Gwaine had stopped dropping hints and out right told Merlin that he would like to try for something more real between them. Merlin hadn’t known what to say. Gwaine is a good friend, and they were good together. It could work. But even as he considered it. He knew it wouldn’t be fair to Gwaine. He had just told Gwaine he needed to think about it and left for his meet up with Arthur.

And there Merlin had watched Arthur's excited retelling of his dates with Gwen. They had only been on two dates so far, but Merlin knew Arthur and Merlin knew Gwen. Morgana’s old roommate from college and best friend. Even though Gwen had been circling their lives for years, Arthur had only properly met her a month ago. Since Arthur and Morgana got along like cats and dogs, it had been Merlin’s fault Arthur met Gwen. Merlin has truly known Gwen for years now. Beautiful, sweet, silly with such a generous and warm heart, that Merlin should have known she would be a great match for Arthur. Maybe he had known and that's why he had never said anything and it had been an accident that allowed Gwen and Arthur to meet.

Even from just Arthur’s reflection on the cafe window, Merlin could see. As Arthur tried to come up with ideas for their 3rd date, how besotted Arthur is and just how different it was from any other time. How that look had thrown Merlin so off-balance that he was not able to ignore his thoughts. Not able to push them away or deny them until later, when he could have done this in private. Just the unremarkable thought he'd always known but ignored.

_‘He will never love me’_

And just like that, Merlin finds himself doubled over, using the cafe window for support as he is racked with a coughing fit he had been waiting to arrive for years. As if making up being denied so long, the cough shook him from his core; extending throughout his body. He felt it from the unbalanced stance of his feet to his quickly cooling finger tips.

Arthur does not understand at first. Merlin had been distracted all morning, hadn’t been paying any real attention, just nodding and making muttering sounds of agreement here and there while he looks out the window. Arthur's not surprise Merlin had been to distracted to even take a sip properly. “Really Merlin, you’ve got to be more careful”

But Merlin didn’t look up at him and flip him off. Merlin didn’t stop coughing. His breathing only became noticeably more ragged with a queasy wheezing sound that chills Arthur to the bone and silences the patrons of the coffee house.

Heart racing with fear, Arthur hurries over to Merlin's side, jostling the flimsy aluminum table and spilling what remained of their drinks. Arthur braces Merlin against his chest as he tries to frantically remember the proper position of the Heimlich maneuver. But just as he is about to turn Merlin, the boy stops coughing and goes absolutely, terrifyingly still. For a moment Arthur fears Merlin isn't breathing.

Merlin just straightens up, and shakily moves himself away from Arthur as he holds up to his face, his hands full of the Scarlet Bell-flowers of Hanahaki disease. His hands are so over full they spill from them, scattering a few blooms on the floor at his feet.

Hushed conversations start up from the patrons as the shock fades from them. Murmured scraps of conversations fill the air. Sympathetic and pitting words of “shite” “God, that's a Bell-flower” and “Poor bloke”.

But Arthur can't hear them over the roaring of blood in his ears and Merlin can’t tear his attention away from the small flowers. He's not sure how to react. Out of all the flowers it could be, the Bell-flower is the one most likely to mean his death. His always known this, but had hoped for the unassuming bloom of the chrysanthemums, that spells some hope of moving on from Arthur. But at the same time, he is proud his love for Arthur is so unwavering. Merlin could laugh. A Scarlet Bell-flower, the strongest symbol of love there is, but too closely associated with death to be used socially or commercially.

_'Inappropriate'_

Merlin knows its strange that he’s coughed up so many and that they’re so brightly colored. Normally it would take longer to get to this point. Its too soon. But then again, Merlin knows why. _‘It’s not like this love is exactly new, is it?’_

Over the hushed conversation Merlin hears a rather brash voice ask “Poor bastard, think that blond bloke’s the one that’s broke his heart?” and that's enough to snap Merlin out of his thoughts and into rapid action.

He can’t look at Arthur. He doesn’t think about his bag. He has his phone and wallet. He doesn’t have time to bother with the flowers. He lets them fall from his hands.

He needs to get out of here.


	2. Out for a Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbetad  
Working on this fairly irregularly. Be warned updates will be sporadic. I'm not even sure how long this will be.

Merlin finds himself standing right outside Arthur’s flat. His stare blank and unfocused. He hadn’t really been thinking, just needed to get away and this is the first place his panic-thick mind thought would be safe.

_ ‘Right Merlin, because when trying to avoid Arthur, the most logical place to go is to Arthur's flat…-then again, Arthur wouldn’t come here looking for me. He would go to mine, or Gaius’s … even Gwain’s.’ _ A growl of frustration escapes his lips as Merlin shuts his eyes and tries to shake away even less helpful thoughts. Concentrate on breathing evenly again, making up for running here with lungs that are no longer as reliable.

Daft instinct that lead him here or not. He could take a moment to think of a plan now. ‘At least I know Arthur wouldn’t come here looking for me.’ 

“Merlin?”

The voice is worried but familiar enough. 

Not Arthur but the man standing there- with his long dark hair disheveled and clothes mostly rumpled, looking adorably confused and more worried than Merlin had ever seen him- is not exactly someone Merlin wanted to face so soon. 

“G-Gwaine, what are you doing here?” He curses himself, as his voice comes out panic high and desperate. He knows there is no way Gwaine is going to leave now.

Gwaine had been leaning against Percival’s beat up Volkswagen Golf. He had been trying to keep up to the standards his friends would expect. To channel his normal large wide smiles and his manner that has always been carefree, bold and energetic. Telling the world he wouldn’t let anything keep him down, but it was just not working, not today. His brow is pinched and his hands can't help but ring themselves and muss his hair.

“I thought you’d come here. I know I might’ve pushed a little too much this mornin’. But Merls, you don’t- don’t need to over think it. It’s fine. No need to- …where’s Arthur?” 

As he spoke and approached Merlin, Gwaine starts to take in pieces that just aren’t as they should be. Merlin coming to Arthur's after the cafe meet up to whinge and rant to Arthur is normal. Sure, it’s earlier than he had expected to see Merlin here, but maybe Arthur had seen how god-damn upset Merlin is. And Merlin is more than upset, and definitely more than just the little distracted than he had been this morning. And Merlin’s not carrying the beat up laptop bag he takes everywhere. Gwaine is sure Merlin left with it this morning and that silly red scarf Hunith gave him two birthday’s ago is missing. His voice reedy, his breaths wheezing, as if he just ran the whole of London and not just from the cafe three streets and a turn from here. But Arthur's not here. And Arthur wouldn’t just let Merlin wander around London looking like this. 

“Gwaine, God-I’m sorry. I-” 

“Merl’s. No- stop. Whats wrong? Did something happen’?”

As he gets closer he can see more. How pale Merlin is, how he is trembling and doesn’t seem to even notice that someone’s spilled what smells like coffee on his jeans and trainers. 

Merlin’s mobile rings then. The familiar opening bars of “I can't wait to be king” alerting Gwaine to the callers identity. Merlin retrieves the phone from his pocket and just stares at Arthur's name and photo flashing on the screen before he ignores the call, and silences the mobile. The mobile begins to vibrate. Merlin turns it off, fingers tense and fumbling.

He puts his mobile away “I can’t right now” He says distractedly trying to will away the pressure on his chest and the scratching at his throat. He looks away from Gwaine. Not wanting to look at the man who could have been his someone, but wouldn’t be.

_ ‘Because my stupid heart just can’t give up on Arthur’ _

That is a thought that would not be making anything better, especially not in this situation. Merlin can’t hold back his cough this time. He can feel the flowers make their way up, petals tickling the inner lining of this throat as they work their way out of him. His head feels dizzy, his body week and his knees give out on him.

Gwaine is right by his side to catch him. Merlin tries to get away, to hide the flowers but Gwaine is determined to keep ahold of him and without the benefit of healthy working lungs, and nothing but a panic addled mind, Merlin gives in.

Merlin can feel the moment Gwaine sees the flowers. His whole body goes tense but then just as quickly it relaxes to how it was before, or something close enough.

“Ah, shite Merlin.” Gwaine can’t help but say. Voice sounding stunned with just a creeping edge a fear. The thing is, It is not surprising. Gwaine had expected to see flowers long before now. He doesn’t even need to think about who the flowers could be for, when it just comes to him. He knows. There has always ever been only one person for Merlin. He has always known but Merlin was never sick before. Had never shown any of the signs. Gwaine had begun to hope.

“I know” Merlin croaks but doesn’t look at Gwaine.

“I know, I know-buggering hell—” Gwaine can’t help but grip Merlin tighter to him. He wants to yell, scream, break something. Hurt Arthur- but that won’t help any and worse of all- It will just make Merlin feel worse. He can feel Merlin trembling, breath still coming in unsteadily.

“Right. What do you want to do?” Gwaine can’t keep the light presence of panic from creeping into his words but he does manage to push his hurt and anger back into a corner of his mind to deal with later. What matters is getting Merlin settled. 

“I want to go home, but Arthur-” Merlin starts to cough again. 

“Yeah, his royal highness the Queen of all Queens will be there.” And so Gwaine continues to try and settle Merlin. 

“I can’t see him right now”

He pushes the trembling man away from himself enough to look at Merlin as he asks this. Because he needs to see Merlin when he asks this. And he needs to show Merlin that he knows. He needs Merlin to be honest. “Merlin, When- What Does he know? Does he know?” 

Merlin's eyes are wide with surprise and he flounder silently for a response before he answers. “I-I’m not sure. I don’t think so? I didn’t tell him…”

“Sal’right. No worries. He won’t figure it out.” He makes his voice lighter and teasing. Or He tries but the results are more biting and sardonic-but unequivocally sure.

And Merlin nods because he believes him and that belief is enough to calm him just a bit more. 

“Shouldn’t you be in a hospital?” Gwaine asks, unsure.

“Yeah, Maybe.” But Merlin knows that isn’t true. There is no successful treatment for a hanahaki case this advanced. He has helped treat patients this advanced when he helped Gaius at the hospice. “But it’s not much they can do. I just want to sleep”

Gwaine can see this on Merlin’s face. He knows how Merlin lies and minimizes things. Knows Merlin's need to not to be a burden. Knows the familiar touch of Merlin’s skin, the quirk of his lips, the feel of his breath on skin and the sound of his many voices. For all their romantic relationship was casual and empty- built on certain understandings, their friendship is real and one of the most precious and important of Gwaine’s life.

“Right, lets get you to Hunith”

“But Mums, shes all the way in Ealdor”

“Right, so we should hurry so I can get Perce’s car back in time. Come on, lets get you home”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was like pulling teeth.


End file.
